2

Dancing on the perimeters of paranoia

Avoiding the plunge below the surface

Of the mouth’s edge

The dissolution

Of the embodiment

Of an all out tussle

Of the conscious

Constantly forsaking

the tango

Of the waltz it plays with reality

but is this real

Restate, initiate

The initial ending

That will endlessly be there

To doom and kingdom come

And after all that it has done

The depth, the danger, the disintegration

The conscious plays

If it remains

influenced

by the boundaries it is allowed to be placed in

Primitive being

Backlash to the relentlessness of the twists and

turns

swings and

roundabouts

But what about the whereabouts

Of the rhyme and the reason

The lurking underneath

Of the bare bones minimum

the walking of the truth

the aching of the vision;

Lest we forget

the all important being

the sub to the conscious.

I Just Wanna Be Held (redraft)

I just wanna be held,

But not like any old song lyric

Nor any loosely woven rhyme.

 

Give me a reason

To want to be held.

 

I just wanna be held,

But not hailed like a haiku

Nor worshipped as a symbol

 

-ism

 

Give me a reason-

To want to be held.

 

I just wanna be held

But none of that cliché shit

Nor any sentinel syllable

 

I want to linger

In your touch, on your tongue, on your breath, on your lips…

 

I just wanna be held like the night holds the stars

like the oceans hold the waters

like the desserts hold the sands

 

I just wanna be held.

I just wanna be held.

1

I’m tired of living up to your expectations

Elicitations

Man all the stations

I’m going to take myself out of this box that

you so methodically put me in

That I so easily let you shut the lid on

Shared blame

Always the same

roundabout of emotions:

he loves me

he loves me not

he loves me

he loves me not

he loves me

he loves me not

SHOT

Right in the bullseye of why I remain(ed)

tame

Living this same shame

day after day

week after week

month after month

Remaining in this rut

SHUT

up in my own self- blame, self- shame

Hate of oneself is an obstruction

Laying the pavement of self- destruction

An abduction of one’s soul

Never allowing oneself to be whole

To truly be who I want to be.

Short Musings

Some short musings of creativity that are bouncing round my head…

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You will see me- if you look closely- in the darkness amongst the stars.

First and foremost, I need to look after me.

Are you strong enough?

Fight or flight?

What are you missing out on by letting your fear(s) rule you?

Take the leap.

Let’s fall in love,

even if it drives us mad.

“Let’s fall in love?”

“Even if it drives us insane?”

“I would rather sit in insanity with you than be sane without.”

Be present.

be.

¡Adios San Pedro Hola Antigua!

I didn’t think a town could top the picturesque beauty of San Pedro on Lake Atitlán, and then I reached Antigua. Antigua is equally as beautiful as San Pedro but in a very different way. Picture this:  the same backdrop of monstrous volcanoes, colorful one story houses of various shapes and sizes, towering antique churches on every corner, quaint cobbled streets…need I go on?

It was quite a bumpy ride from San Pedro but luckily I conked out with the help of a motion sickness pill then BAM! I was woken up in Antigua. I love a bus journey through unknown lands, you meet the most interesting people from all walks of life don’t you? There was Eduardo from Guatemala City who is opening up a hostel in San Pedro; a friendly American girl who is on an action packed adventure through Central America for two months; a Hungarian come Swede who helped build a school out of recycled materials; a Russian come German who seems to have travelled almost everywhere; a sleepy Italian woman and me, a Londoner come Bangkokian forever Irish cailín trying to find the balance between figuring out what she wants from life versus having an absolutely immense time being present IN life.

Talking about ‘interesting people’, I met the most amazing souls in San Pedro. For me, San Pedro started off a little monotonous. Life was Spanish class in the morning, homework in a café, a marathon siesta, meals with my homestay family, some Netflix and sleep, and I’m to blame for the monotony. Luckily I snapped out of it and managed to find a good group of friends to hang out with and explore a little more of what the area had to offer: lake jumping in San Marcos, Friday night pub quizzes at Hostel Fe, late night (11pm!) dancing and beers in Sublime and –mostly- we spent time in a quiet little restaurant called Pinocchio’s where a litre of beer was only 10 Q- that’s about 1 UK pound- and where the service always came with a smile in the form of a teenager called Arnesto who patiently helped us with our Spanish. It was great to meet likeminded souls of various ages, nationalities and backgrounds…all on a different and unique journey. I love to cross paths with people when I travel- either for a short time or more. I learn something from each person I meet, and something more about myself too.

Talking about learning I completed three weeks of Spanish and got myself a certificate! Afterwards, my cyber security come photographer hermano (brother) and I went exploring in the local market and he encouraged me to use my Spanish, somehow I forgot everything! I thought that maybe I should return my certificate! Thankfully I redeemed myself today by successfully asking for directions (about 15 times!) and having a conversation with a waiter- the three weeks of study has definitely been worth it and I can’t wait to speak more Spanish- me gusta hablar español.

That’s all from me for now- I have more churches to pray in, more colourful houses to swoon at, and more español to speak! But before I go here’s a little something for my time in San Pedro and for those I met along the way:

And me? I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it’s not some place you can look for. Because it’s not where you go. It’s how you feel for a moment in your life when you’re a part of something. And if you find that moment… It lasts forever.

The Beach (2000)

Peace x

¡Hola de Guatemala! 

¡Hola¡ ¡Bienvenido a mi aventura en Centro América!  I am drowning in Spanish right now. Quite literally. I have thrown myself into it between a homestay with a Mayan family and Spanish school without any prior knowledge of Spanish…and it is definitely the best way to learn.

For the past two weeks I have been in San Pedro La Laguna, a sleepy and picturesque town on Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. The town is engulfed by Volcán San Pedro which sits right behind it. The daily views of the enormous lake and numerous towering volcanoes is truly breathtaking. The majority of people here are Mayan and they still hold many traditional values and keep to their culture, with the Spanish influence of Catholicism or Evangelism present. The narrow streets are regularly filled with bright colours, music and singing.

The streets of San Pedro

As I said I’ve literally thrown myself into Spanish here as my main aim with this first stop in Central America is to learn Spanish. And why here? San Pedro was recommended to me by friends as it is beautiful and affordable, and I also read an amazing blog about the Spanish school I’m attending: La Cooperativa. For only 1580 quetezlas a month (around 160 UK pounds) I get accommodation with a local family, 3 meals a day for 6 days a week (Sunday is family day) and 4 hours of lessons a day Monday to Friday with my own tutor. ¡Bueno! My brain is taking time to adjust to all the learning but I’m enjoying it (mostly.)

And so the teacher has become the student; it has certainly given me a new perspective and filled me with empathy for any student that I have ever taught. I am not the most perfect student: I haven’t turned in my homework three times, I get frustrated if I can’t understand the ‘why’ behind irregular verbs (“it just doesn’t sound right in Spanish” irks me as to a non Spanish speaker it sounds perfectly fine!) and I ask A LOT of questions. Luckily I have a very patient teacher who bears with me, challenges me when necessary and doesn’t scold me for late homework submission.

My daily view

The best addition to my learning is definitely the homestay. It was slightly overwhelming at first as the family do not speak English so our interactions were awkward to say the least, the 96 year old grandma hunts me upstairs (to the kitchen) at every opportune moment, I can hear EVERYTHING on the street and my room is an overbearing lime green:

My room in my homestay

But anyone who knows me knows that I love a challenge, I love old people, I can sleep through most things and I’m never too fussed about where I sleep so I have settled in perfectly well. I now can have a laugh with my foster family- I even picked up a couple of Mayan phrases so I can chat with grandma- and I have a healthy balance between family time and me time. ¡Esta agradable!

Grandma and Me

Es todo por ahora. ¡Hasta luego!

Peace x