we. became the subplot.
The wrenching temptation of a nation
To power the speak
And break the bones of a society
So castes it be
No prison break
Only silence mistakes
Itself for contemplation
Yet the truth remains seen
But a nation still bleeds (yet it barely breathes)
Yet a nation(s) still bleeds.
I just wanna be held,
But not like any old song lyric
Nor any loosely woven rhyme.
Give me a reason
To want to be held.
I just wanna be held,
But not hailed like a haiku
Nor worshipped as a symbol
Give me a reason-
To want to be held.
I just wanna be held
But none of that cliché shit
Nor any sentinel syllable
I want to linger
In your touch, on your tongue, on your breath, on your lips…
I just wanna be held like the night holds the stars
like the oceans hold the waters
like the desserts hold the sands
I just wanna be held.
I just wanna be held.
Some short musings of creativity that are bouncing round my head…
You will see me- if you look closely- in the darkness amongst the stars.
First and foremost, I need to look after me.
Are you strong enough?
Fight or flight?
What are you missing out on by letting your fear(s) rule you?
Take the leap.
Let’s fall in love,
even if it drives us mad.
“Let’s fall in love?”
“Even if it drives us insane?”
“I would rather sit in insanity with you than be sane without.”
I am on a journey of self discovery, a journey to ‘find myself’ so to speak. And what have I discovered? Well, to put it in a way that a contemporary audience would understand:
Nothing. I know less about myself now than I did at 17- and that’s saying something. At 30 I thought I’d have it all together, not necessarily a house, kids and the husband to match, but at least that I could describe myself- really describe myself- in three words.
Yup, still drawing a blank.
So, as I sit here with my raw vegan mud cake and my matcha latte why not surmise what’s on my mind?
I am in Canggu in Bali right now. After being the ‘always had a goal’ gal I decided to quit my great job working internationally in Bangkok and become a backpacker without any plans. Yup, oldest backpacker in the world. I’m still convinced that it is BAGpacker because all you do it pack and repack your bags! And don’t get me started on the packing process because I can’t even find my underwear never mind myself!
I thought about going for an inspirational post: discuss my yoga and meditation, share the lessons from the healer I saw yesterday, reminisce about the calm I feel looking out over a cliff top…but this is not how it is flowing for me right now so I thought I’d attempt ‘funny’, feel free to criticise me if I fail miserably.
The truth is I’ve had an opportunity to do yoga a million times a day and I’ve done it about five; I attempted to be a vegetarian but the chicken sate got me every time; I aimed to start every day with a morning jog and it has happened one and a half times (how does the half even happen?); I saw a healer and my restless legs got me irritated; I gave up coffee only to become addicted to matcha lattes; I planned to blog every day and this is my first post in six weeks…find yourself FAIL.
I have found myself (oh the irony!) wanting to scream because I don’t know who I am or what I want. Isn’t time away from everyone and everything supposed to bring clarity? Isn’t throwing off the shackles of a routine meant to bring a calm alertness to my mind? Isn’t all this chatter in my mind meant to ease with the soft blow of the wind through my sea swept hair?
I love an inspirational quote, ask any of my friends, my Instagram feed is full of them, I drive my friends crazy on Facebook with yet another daily dose of inspiration. I can also talk the talk, giving good advice and words of wisdom (or so I’ve been told.) My problem? Not following through with my own words. I am my biggest critic and I often compare myself to my past self- teenage Claire who knew it all and genuinely didn’t care what people thought. Am I not supposed to be lost at 17 and found at 30?
And there lies the problem…
The constant wondering, the constant thinking, and the constant questioning. I need to just shut up. The truth is I don’t need to have a 5 year plan, heck I don’t even have a 5 week plan! I don’t need to have any of the answers because as I desperately search for them life is slowly passing me by, breath by breath. I need to remember: I am not looking for something, I am experiencing everything.
So, there you are. I’m a metaphorical mess who needs to chill the chatter in my head by just doing things I enjoy and not wondering ‘where next?’ or ‘what next?’ or ‘who next?’ Because, my friends, the beauty of life is that we never know what is around the corner…so there is absolutely no point in looking.
For some poetry is the place to be
from the prism we have found ourselves in
the unrelentless blurring
of the lines
between reality and the alternate world(s)
A world that is scourged with
but what we often fail to see
as we fall aimlessly is the beauty
the beauty of this earth, this home, this being
The unspeakable woes
The unstoppable boughs
Of the branches of our being
of our being
Watch it sprout
Our human need of being.
I’ve been inspired, rewired
jumpstarted into this journey of
flowing creative juices,
drenched in the unending bombardment
of words- sweet, sweet words-
The glass no longer half empty,
the gas tank once void
has rerouted into the GPS direction
Drowns the canvas
The wall you built between us
The you, the me and the everything
I am ready
To break free from the shackles of responsibility
To throw overboard
Whatever flotation device of security kept me from drowning.
Out of control
down this dark canvas
against the depths of despair
Lurk behind the closing door
no rhyme or reason
can justify their
For they are the prism
Stuck behind the kaleidoscope of their own colourless thoughts
They refuse to open
To allow invitation
into the land of freedom of expression
for they keep schtum
Afraid to run
To free- dom
Fear to be anything but ‘normal’
Relay the hate with speech
The future generations’ realisation
is needed to not be
oppressed and overturned with overtones of
For all the things that they could be
that they should be
That they would- have- been.